Today is March 27th 2024 it's 1o'clock in the morning and I can't sleep.
I'm listening to a Claudia Jones documentary to feel inspired.
Since coming home again in June of 2023 from my time with Rise St James an environmental organisation in St James, LA, I'm finding the balance within myself. As this is my journal and I'm working through my inner thoughts
I'm having trouble congratulating myself, there's shame around being proud.
As if I shouldn't be too proud. It's making me frustrated. I didn't even celebrate my graduation cause I thought, I shouldn't boast about it. This is definitely a me problem but still... And while these blog post are meant to be my intervention to the world rn I'm venting.
and I have the right to post what I want, how I want.
. IM WRITING THE THOUGHTS AS I GO
while this is meant to be explorative on my journey within the past year, it's still 1 in the morning and I can't sleep.
the Claudia Jones doc reminded me of all I've been doing in terms of learning about Black history, being introspective, desiring more from the world.
truthfully I'm not putting my all in.,
there's still steps I'm afraid to take. And Claudia was bold.
She was never afraid to speak on her desires for the world.
and right now, I'm afraid to speak up
I feel shame around speaking up and feeling pride in myself. There's stigmas around it. I've been told people had complaints about me and its making me feel insecure.
But I've done a pretty good job of reminding folks about Black History and I feel pride in that.
I remember in English class we were told to write about the lost generation writers, which approximately took place around the 1920s. This included Hemingway, Fitzgerald, T.S Elliot.... While reading this assignment I realised this took place as the same time of the Harlem Renaissance but no Black authors were introduced. That is how I came to find Zora Neale Hurston and her history changed my life. I knew what I had to do.
I plead my case and chose Zora Neale Hurston as my focus for lost write generation writing assignment. A young child growing up in the south who lied about her age to get an education becoming the dean of the Harlem Renaissance preserving archival knowledge of Black folks in the South.
She was a force to be reckon with.
Unsuportive of the Brown vs Board Education she lost a bit of her notoriety reclaiming into public space through the work of Alice Walker.
Undertaking that assignment, open my world to possibilities. She thought me to write freely.
Which I need to be reminded of right now.
BY THIS POINT I DIDNT CARE TO REVISE AND EDIT CAUSE ITS NOW 3:10 AND IM STILL NOT ASLEEP.
In building the path I want, I need to be selfish. It's the truth. I need to be honest about what I want and right now I want to have fun but I never want to harm others.
I never want to take up space in a way that invalidates someones experience. but realising my presence does. it makes them see another reality.
in the same way learning about Zora Neale Hurston brought new possibilities into my life I bring a different perspective.
And sometimes that interrupts someone reality
but the shame I feel, is not wanting not wanting to centre myself and my story because I was told its inapporitte. Starting the year with my exhibition at the Valley Cottage library, Black Butterfly.
I am in my cocoon
Ima stop here cause I'm tired but to be continued...